WARNING!!! WOMEN OVER 40 WHO HAVEN'T HAD YOUR ANNUAL MAMMOGRAM, DON'T READ THIS!!!!
NAVIGATE AWAY FROM THIS PAGE RIGHT NOW!
I had to get a mammogram the other day. I'd never had one before - yeah, I know, I was supposed to start 7 years ago, but hey, give me a break. I was out of the country, and then I didn't have insurance and anyway, any fat woman knows there are few things in the world more potentially upsetting to one's sense of oneself as a competent adult than a doctor's visit. (It occurred to me, as I was rehearsing telling the doctor that I didn't need a lecture about my weight, which I did not have to do, by the way, to wonder if a lecture from a doctor ever actually helped anyone lose weight. Or if there is anyone alive who goes to doctors who doesn't already know that doctors believe most people should be thinner than they are.)
Back to the mammogram, I don't know what I was expecting, but when I saw the machine they were going to use to take pictures of my breasts, I was shocked and appalled. My reaction did not improve. In fact, by the end of 15 minutes, I was feeling a new empathy with the people in those pictures from Abu Ghraib (and no, I am not trying to trivialize the torture the prisoners endured - and quite probably, are still enduring - for a lot more than 15 minutes which might really have been about half that).
Now I have thankfully never had to have a CAT scan or a PET scan, but I do know this: when they take pictures of the inside of your head, they do not do it by trying to squish it into two dimensions. I am no huge fan of getting dental x-rays, what with that biting down on hard pieces of cardboard, but the fact is, they did manage to create a tool which takes x-rays of the inside of a mouth without trying to turning the mouth inside out. I just know there is a fortune to be made by some intrepid woman who can design a mammogram machine that does not involve tightening a woman's breast between two cold glass plates by twisting little knobs like some version of a thumbscrew.
It's true, as one of my friends pointed out, that every women's breasts are shaped differently, but it is also true that none are shaped like a pita bread. They are all pretty much conical, so I imagined something like a suit of body armor, with large or adjustable cones that they could line with film and shoot into, like the dental hygienist does with your mouth.
I thought I would try to write some funny little commentary that could air on the Women's Magazine sometime (preferably during breast cancer awareness month, which I think might be May). But it's hard to believe that some funny women haven't already written great stuff about this procedure, because it so readily lends itself to comedy. So I googled "mammogram comic" and "mammogram funny" and didn't find much. I did learn that many women say they avoid getting mammograms because they fear the pain - can't imagine why! - and a woman doctor concerned about that has designed a "mammopad" which is alleged to ease the discomfort by half. BioLucent has successfully marketed them to 700 "certified softer mammogram providers." Sadly, I didn’t go to one of them, but I think it's going to take a lot more than a cushion to make the mammo comfortable.
I did find one funny bit. A woman (I assume) called Sandal16 offers some exercises you can do to prepare yourself for your mammogram. Check out her blog: http://forums.dealofday.com/showthread.php?t=128266.
Apropos of nothing, most nights before going to bed I watch Star Trek: The Next Generation reruns on G4 (if you think I might spend my time in more useful pursuits, go flagellate yourself or something). All the commercials during that time slot, and for all I know, on the whole network, are for either the Army or a male enhancement product call Extends. So I can't help wondering: is there some connection between them?
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
katrap40) wrote,
